good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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