The maid of honor just puked.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
