no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
