I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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