if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know her cup size but not her name....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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