nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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