I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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