I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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