Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
