i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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