apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
