The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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