it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
