My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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