he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize