I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
