There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's official drugs can't kill me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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