I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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