So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
