We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
