i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
