I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
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