I think I am morally bankrupt
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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