Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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