Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i think my cat just said my name.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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