Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
