grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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