Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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