I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
