I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
