Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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