i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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