So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
