This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
