I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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