thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
