I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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