and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize