Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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