i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I need moral support for this bender
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
