I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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