So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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