No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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