Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
