dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Green mimosas i think yes
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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