Screwed.edu
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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