I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
