She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
