i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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