Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
