Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
