Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
