Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm too high and old for this...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
