dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
