took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
