I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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