Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Found your dick twin last night
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
