I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
