So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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