Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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